Anti-empathy people are at it again

[bofoddity]

I wish so much this post didn't hit home as much as it does.

The sordid story short, a young boy was repeatedly called gay in school and eventually committed a suicide. As expected, all the usual excuses are flying around again: you shouldn't be so sensitive, the bullies didn't mean it, it was supposed to be funny, endless et cetera. It's strength not to care.

It makes me so sick.

Compared to those who went through life-time bullying I was extremely lucky. I got to be the weird kid in reasonable peace until I was 12 and got away from the most hostile people when I went to highschool. That was fortunate, and that's why I'm ashamed of being affected as thoroughly as I was by that very short time. It gave me depression that comes and goes, but stays for long. It made me struggle with speaking, which in turn made me terrified of talking to people on the phone or in stores. (I've got better at this, but whenever possible I still pick an e-mail over phone or talking in person. Even if I could just walk over to this person.) It made me scared of going outside and drove me to develop bizarre eating habits. It made me socially awkward to the point that LJ - LJ! - was the first social space I was ever comfortable in again (which leads to my alienation fright sparking every time somebody says 'migration). I've never been bad enough to attempt suicide, but I've thought of it a lot.

I'm ashamed of it, but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be; no victim of violence asks to be hurt. I didn't ask to be targeted or my schoolmates to turn their backs on me - schoolmates who I thought I was one of for a long time - and yet all I hear from the society at large that I shouldn't care so much. In the case of the boy who died it was that being called gay shouldn't hurt you; it's just a word. As if it's impossible to use language for horrible things. As if the intention of a person doesn't matter. I'm sure having dyke screamed to my face wasn't meant to help me to figure out my sexual identity. I'm sure this boy didn't die because his schoolmates were so accepting.

It makes me sick that it's always the victim who has to deal with the weight, who has to bend and forgive while those who make the choice to hurt or close their eyes aren't even required to acknowledge what they've done. You see, in the end it's not the victims who lack the strength. It's the people who find basic empathy too great to handle.

Comments

[windrider1.livejournal.com]

OK, now that I'm all teary eyed and rage ridden I think I'll go to work and make some assholes cry. O.o

Seriously I am teary eyed and rage ridden. I don't think I'll make anyone cry today but your post makes me want to. And to hug you. So here's a hug **hug** and a standing ovation **clapping-O**!!

It never ceases to amaze me how far away from humanity humankind really is.

[bofoddity.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your compassion. You know it's appreciated. ♥

It's just depressing to wonder how many children have to die until the real blame is finally put where it belongs. Bullying somebody is a choice that doesn't have to be made, and yet the matter of choice is brought up only ever when you need a diversion from the fact school shooters tend to be bullying victims. It's twisted.

[bop-radar.livejournal.com]

I think in our teens even the slightest nuances in social relationships, anything that says 'you don't belong' or 'there's something wrong with you' can be psychologically scarring. It's a time when our identities are developing--for most people they're like fragile little hatchlings, and criticism, even implied, can stomp on them. So out and out bullying of any sort is very dangerous.

Sometimes I think when adults consider bullying they a) remember that it happened when they were young so think it is 'normal' and b) empathise as adults, not as themselves when they were younger. I.e. they think 'oh they should be more thick skinned'. They forget that it is nigh IMPOSSIBLE to be thick skinned at that age--and I'm sure that's to do with hormones and brain chemistry development.

The shame you feel is what they gave you--it's not about YOU, you don't deserve to feel that. *angry on your behalf*

[bofoddity.livejournal.com]

I agree completely. Rejection is always difficult to deal with, and realizing for the first time you can't always belong where you want to can be really awful. It shouldn't happen through violence.

The claims that bullying is a normal part of life infuriate me a lot, but I suppose it's so common - you either experience, practice or witness it - that you can't help but feel it's truly that. That in turn makes it easier not to see it as true violence, which is just FUCKED UP BEYOND WORDS. It's like people expect children to be both innocent and have emotional maturity of adults at the same time; the former lets you believe bullies don't mean it and the latter lets you believe the victims aren't right enough. I want to believe it's an attempt to rationalize the possibility of human evil away because otherwise I just don't understand the effort put into it.

Thanks for saying that. Old beliefs are hard to let go, but I'm starting to realize that the shame isn't mine to feel.